( * is a dead blog / channel that has content i go back and enjoy. )
hello! welcome to baepsae. baepsae is, admittedly, a blog that was named after a k-pop song and is a rebrand of a dying thing that didn’t yet deserve to die. the blog is maintained by mochi and has neither a particular focus or niche to this blog. you’ll typically find a bit of about music, books, anime, and the occasional rant, sharing of currents, and reviews.
find out more about the blogger here and the blog here.
Where Have You Been?
November 15, 2017
admittedly, i do still feel that way but distancing myself from people and this world for so long actually made a significant difference. that combined with the fact that i’m seeing the fruits of my labour and planning slowly coming to fruition and having cut out toxicity out of my life completely has made me reach a level of contentment that i had been battling to reach for a long time. i’ve mentioned this a couple times—all in posts that are now drafted, archived, or deleted—that two years ago, i had a public falling out with someone that i considered, at that point, a friend. two years have gone by since that point and it took me a lot of thinking, alcohol, and thinking while drinking and drunk off said alcohol to realise that one of the things that were holding me back from being content again was the fact that i had spent so much time lying to myself about how i felt for that person. i wanted a reason to be upset and i wanted a reason to care about how that entire thing played out and in reality, i genuinely did not care about that person or the people that decided to continue to associate with that person.
and honestly, it wasn’t just with that person and those associated with them that i came to this conclusion about. even down to the person i had been in love with for years, i just realised that, at the end of the day, i was only unhappy because i clung to the feelings i had for them. maybe i should have said more to defend myself when that public incident happened. maybe i should have been open and directly stated my feelings. i felt like those were things i should have felt and so i kept those in my mind so that i was perpetually circling down a spiral that i wouldn’t have cared about if i wasn’t trying to fit into something that i didn’t fit.
don’t get me wrong, i’m still lowkey petty about the person who tried to publicly shame me when let’s be real here, i could have easily been trash and returned the favour tenfold; however, i know that i don’t care enough about them to be that way. do i wish them the best? not in the slightest. but i also don’t wish them unhappiness. they are simply there and they exist. and that’s honestly how i feel about all the people i referred to earlier. i just don’t care.
and the reason i bring this up is because i’m so much more content because of that realisation. that because i am able to come to terms with that lack of care rather than just saying it, i’m able to finally rid myself of those particular issues.
a huge reason i’ve written all of this is to give a reason or a part of the reason i decided to take a break and the things i’ve learned, overcome, and walked away from because i took such a break.
now that i’m back, i don’t think i can be the same blogger that i was before. i’m not able to do the same things i did before without feeling a bit weird about it; without feeling like i’m going through the motions. so i changed my domain & blog name and decided to start anew.
a part of me deciding to come back to blogging, aside of needing a place to store my thoughts and ramblings, was that i needed to purge everything that could be potentially toxic or associated to some toxicity or toxic point in my life. this meant that my blog name and the posts needed to be removed as did all of my older blogs and posts from previous iterations of blogging.
and despite always saying that i would never delete old blogs and posts, i’ve realised that for the last five or so years, i’ve been in such a dark, toxic place that deleting was the best option. it was lovely to have those reminders and before i wrote this post and before i switched over to this new name and new blog, i read those old posts. i read every single post i’ve made since december of 2010 and it was lovely. i saw myself grow and thrive, then crash and crumble to dust, and then i purged it all. i don’t regret those blogs or reiterations of myself, i don’t regret the people i’ve encountered and let go or said goodbye to or anything like that. i just grew from those things and thoughts.
anyway, how have you lot been? catch me up on your lives in the comments below. i missed the little interactions i got to have with you lot.